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I Don't Want to Pray
“Shake your heads . . . drop open your jaw . . . even send me to bed without dessert why don't you, but let me make this clear to all who are reading . . . I DON'T WANT TO PRAY!!! I'm wounded, you hear me? I'm broken, no, shattered and I just don't want to do it anymore. I KNOW prayer is the answer to pain. I KNOW this is the time I need to dig my heels in and really turn up the heat. I KNOW that we're not fighting flesh and blood but the Enemy himself. (It comes from Ephesians 6 and I DIDN'T even have to look it up.) I KNOW that now is the time to call on the Lord, but let me just tell you something. I've BEEN calling. I've been crying out. I've been fasting and praying and frankly, I don't want to pray anymore. I'm done.”
My sweet sisters in the Lord, is it not true that at some point or at many points in our lives, this is us? I'm not going to fib . . . this is me right now. Well, at least my flesh. I can write that first paragraph soooo eloquently and real because this is EXACTLY how my flesh is struggling. But, praise God for my spirit - that sweet little place inside that makes its connection to God. That place that gets filled by His Word, His loving arms, and His encouragement. I'm just a mess without Him. Ladies, we allllllll have adversity. What may bother you may not bother me and vice versa. Pain is hard. Nobody signs up for it, right? "Uh, yes ma'am, I'd like to order up a budget so tight you can hear it squeak, a teenager who informs me on a daily basis that he knows more than me and a potty-training toddler who doesn't want to be bothered . . . oh, oh, and please don't forget the frustration that comes with wanting to spend time with my husband but schedules and fatigue cutting off little hope of that."
So what to do when we reach this point of not wanting to pray? Well, what I am finding is this . . . I'm not really tired of praying. That's the same as me saying I'm tired of talking to God. And that's just not true. I'm tired or frustrated or disgusted even of FEELING like nothing is changing through my efforts in prayer. In other words, I'm disappointed. You see, every time when I pray, I have hope that something will move or change. So MUCH hope in fact, that if it doesn't, I feel the pain all over again. That's what I'm tired of. Feeling the pain. That is my true reason for not wanting to pray.
So, the way I should really title this article is "I Don't Want To Be Disappointed Anymore," and "here here" to that because, frankly, I don't know anyone in this universe who truly does want to be disappointed. So, I guess I've just made my first positive step . . . addressing my frustration with prayer as my frustration with disappointment
What will I do now? I mean, now that I realize I really do WANT to keep praying and talking to God. I tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to recognize that my situation is NOT hopeless. It is not. It's painful and I have NO idea when it will begin to look brighter, but it is not hopeless because for it to be hopeless would mean, it is out of God's Hands. And NOTHING, let me repeat this loud and clear, NOTHING IS EVER OUT OF HIS HANDS.
I am also going to post up "Reminder" Bible Scriptures throughout my house so that when I'm feeling vulnerable, I can just look up and read what's before me. Even if I'm not "feeling it," the faithfulness demonstrated as well as the truth being spoken are both soooo effective. I mean . . . even if you don't FEEL like making a snowball, if you push a little bit of snow down a hill, it is inevitable as to what will occur. Well, it is the SAME with speaking God's Word. IT DOES NOT RETURN VOID. Plain and simple, so I'm going to speak it up. Maybe even put some to simple tunes, like "I am with you always, always, always, I am with you always, Matthew 28:20" (to the tune of London Bridge).
I am disappointed and I am crushed over several things occurring in my life right now that I have no control over, but who better to continue to call on than the Lord Jesus Christ. He DOES hear me. He holds the picture in HIS hands - seeing the big picture - and all I hold are a few puzzle pieces. His timing is perfect and I am not giving up. In fact, I am going to do one last thing - I am going to ENVISION my situation as to how I believe God would want it. Not how Cindy Lou Hoo wants it, but how God would want the situation - with Him receiving the glory every time.
Well, I have that potty-training toddler waking up and I need to dash off to get her "happily" onto the commode. I also have to prepare for that teenager to walk through the door. I can't wait to find out what I don't really know today. Ah, yes, and then after my sweet husband goes off to work I will start on those bills again, seeing which ones will get tended to and which ones can wait another few days. And in the midst of it all, I'm going to pray out my scriptures off the wall, from the refrigerator and off the bathroom mirror.
God deserves my praise, my trust and my obedience even when I'm not "feeling" it, but I think He especially loves it when I DO make the decision to place my heart into regardless of how my situation appears. For those who are hurting, my heart reaches out to you . . . remember to share your heart with HIM in All situations at all times.
Copyright © 2008-2015 Cindy Aitken
Reader Comments...
| 2012-02-13 10:34:34 "I once heard that we must act our way into a feeling not feel our way into an action... It's not easy, but the Bible is full of people who kept pressing forward and trusting God through their hardships (and you're a tough cookie--often my inspiration of why I'm still around). God's truth in Hebrews 12:11 has saved me many a day, and I've known it by heart for over fifteen years. I encourage you to etch it onto yours. Thank you for sharing your heart and feelings and thoughts with us--thank you for sharing your truth as you see it and the truth of what God is showing you about your perceptions/feelings. It's always a comfort to know there are others experiencing challenges but coming through them daily. Just because you aren't seeing your hope fulfilled doesn't mean it isn't in the works... I've been holding onto some hopes for so long that I wonder if I'm delusional, but I know they're in my heart for a reason, and they're not just some fanciful wants. I've been enjoying learning more about people in the Bible like Abraham and Sarah or David--the promises from God to them took time to come to fruition. -AND- I've also come to accept that my life here are on earth doesn't compare to what God has in store for me in Heaven... so if I don't see those longings of my heart come to pass--I have to trust God that my daily portion was what I needed according to His Will for my life. Hope this encourages you somewhat--though I know you've got messages on your walls at home :-). Love you!" - Stacy |
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